Now I Present To You

> > > (drum roll...) < < <


...an inbred cat

CLICKY CLICKY

Via

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a "thank you" card and a
Image Source

dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week." The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it!

Thanks Clarence!

The Perfect Drive

Two men were playing golf one afternoon. They were about to wrap up a fun round, and were about to tee off at the par-5 18th hole.

The first man hit his drive straight down the fairway without hesitation. The second man had more trouble with his effort. He kept checking his alignment, backing off, rechecking, and backing off.

After 5 minutes off this, his friend asked what the problem was..

Image Source

The man on the tee said that his wife was watching from the observation deck just behind the 18th green, and that he wanted to hit the perfect shot.

The man watching said, "You're wasting your time buddy, there is no way you can possibly hit her from here."

Via

Did You Ever Wonder

...what would happen if you hired two private investigators to follow each other?

Via

Why?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go to the bathroom in a handicapped stall? -- Jerry Seinfeld








Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person? -- Jerry Seinfeld






Here are a few more Seinfeldisms..

Go Home LeBron

Via

















Via

Church Squirrels

There were five houses of religion in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church, and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels, and all congregations were becoming upset.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and thus realized they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..

In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met, and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it.. Somehow the squirrels escaped, and there were twice as many there the next week!

The Methodist Church got together, and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So they humanely trapped the Squirrels, and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday, and Easter.

Not much was ever heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision - and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.



Thanks Mom!

FOX News & Obama

FOX News Bows To The Pressure:

Fox is already cowering down to President Barack Obama.

In response to President Obama's complaint to the FOX television network that they don't show enough African American and Hispanic people during their coverage, FOX has announced that they will now air "America's Most Wanted" twice a week.

Thanks Clarence!

More TSA - Part 1

Via

3 Brudders

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness, and sits in the corner of the room drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.

When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more. The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it - your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America 'n' de udder in Australia 'n' here I am in

Image Source

Dublin. When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom, and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer, and always drinks the same way - ordering three pints, and drinking a sip out of each in turn until they are finished.

One day he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and are stunned in silence.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops. He starts to laugh and says, "Oh no, Bejesus, everyone is fine!

'Tis me - I've quit drinking!"

Thanks Ryan!

Golfer

Source

A murder has been committed.

Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.

The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"

"Yes."

"Did you hit her with that golf club?"

"Yes. Yes, I did," the man, answers.

He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.

"How many times did you hit her?"

"I don't know. Five...maybe six...


put me down for a five."

Via

Steven Wright Quotes

Source

• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

• OK, so what's the speed of dark?

• How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

something.

• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

• When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

• I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

• Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

• Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

• When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

• Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

• Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.


Those are some of the ones from this page.

More places to find hilarious Steven Wright quotes:
Here, here, here, here (pop-ups), here, here, here, here, here, and here.

10 Finkers

Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, “Okie dokie, et’s have da finkers and I’ll see vhat I can do.”

Ole said, “I haven’t got da finkers.”

“Vhat do you mean, you hafen’t got da finkers?” he said. “Lordy - it’s 2010 and Ive’s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible surgery techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn’t you brink da finkers?”

Ole says………”How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?”

Via