Jerry Seinfeld & Louis CK - Together

How much better can you get, than that?


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Get Out of my Way!

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You would think they would do everything that they do as fast as they can, with the limited time they have left. Jerry Seinfeld said this once in a monologue for one of his shows. But yet it's all slower. Cars are bigger (gigantic). Houses are smaller. Conversations take forever.

Here's a relevant Seinfeld clip about this.

Jerry Seinfeld - Parakeet Brain

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Jerry Seinfeld Predicted Facebook in the 90's

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Click the image to see the short video clip..

Why?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go to the bathroom in a handicapped stall? -- Jerry Seinfeld








Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person? -- Jerry Seinfeld






Here are a few more Seinfeldisms..

Introducing Jerry Seinfeld Dot Com

"When I was ten years old, I started watching stand up comedians on TV. I fell in love with them and I'm just as fascinated with stand up comedy today. When I started doing TV, I saved every appearance on every show I did.

I thought it might be fun to go through all of it and pick out three bits each day that still amuse me for some reason or another. I've also included stuff I'm doing now, and I'll be adding new stuff as I go.

Somewhere out there are ten year olds just waiting to get hooked on this strange pursuit. This is for them. I'm just hoping somehow it will keep this silliness going."

--JS

Yep, that's right! Jerry Seinfeld has launched his own website, which will contain a ton of all the material he's ever done. Not only will we now get to go see some of his great stuff from when he primarily did stand-up, but he's making it all the more easy for us - this is his personal library! As a special note, it remains to be seen whether or not we'll see any "Seinfeld" references at Jerry Seinfeld Dot Com, but for now he says, "that stuff is being reserved for another special Web project."

Quoting a recent N.Y. Times article: "I really thought, ‘Where’s my stuff going to be when I’m dead?’ Is it just gone for all time? Who could sift through it? I thought, I should filter this out and be the judge of what I thought was good."

"...[E]ach day the Web page will offer only three of these videos, chosen by Mr. Seinfeld, a strategy that reflects his theories about online content as well as his concerns about what he called 'portion control.' "

"I don’t want everything, Burger King now has a burger where you decide how many patties. How disgusting is that? That’s the problem right there. That’s the cultural moment that I am repudiating here."

My favorite for today was "The chicks and the checks" - from Letterman, 1989.

If you haven't already found the link, click here to go to his brand new website.

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Hey Jer, What's Up?

One of the greatest little segments of a good "The Summer Of George" Seinfeld episode. Jerry's new girlfriend Lanette (Amanda Peet, very early in her career) has this DUDE at the house every time he goes to pick her up. He's already asked her if he's the roommate, and whether he's gay - Both of which she denied. He even asks, "are you sure?"

The "I have absolutely no idea" is just hilarious!

Later he shows up to her place in only a towel.

The Best Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.

I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He's down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise.

To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.

What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."

You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."

Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit..I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!" Via

Tons more here, here, and here.

The Official Seinfeld Site.

And Everything Seinfeld, only for the enthusiast, right here!