The 9 People You'll See At Every Golf Course

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The Misogynist
Description: He doesn’t so much enjoy golf as he enjoys having an environment where it’s acceptable to complain about women and crudely talk about sex. Leave a putt short or hit a weak drive? “Come on, Sally! You hit that like a pu***! Nice skirt! Does your husband play?” Hit a putt past the hole or crush a drive? “Whoa! Someone’s wife isn’t giving him enough of the ********! Look at all that extra aggression!” Whatever The Misogynist shoots in a round, put him down for double that number on uses of the terms “old lady” and “ole’ ball and chain.”

Fun Fact: The Misogynist has been banned from 12 courses for trying to feel up the beverage cart girl.

The Rules Official
Description: He has read the USGA rules book two dozen times and has a copy of it in his golf bag that he will display at a moment’s notice. You better not be trying to move your ball out of that mud patch in the middle of the fairway because, according to Rule 13-b(1.4), that particular mud patch, due to its lack of distinguishing marks, does not fit the criteria for “ground under repair.” I mean, sure, if you want to play that way, fine. But if this was the US Open you’d be getting a significant penalty.

Fun Fact: The Rules Official received a severe beating in 8th grade after reminding his math teacher that she had forgotten to assign homework.

The Mulligan Man
Description: He is the complete opposite of The Rules Official. To him, it’s always winter rules … wherever his ball lands, he just finds the nearest and best lie without any sort of obstruction between him and the hole. And then he props it up on a cluster of grass like a tee. Golf’s not so hard! Whoops! Hit one out of bounds again? Just like on the last four holes? Nope! Not really! He didn’t use his 5th hole mulligan yet! And that’s a gimme from 10-feet, right? Well, it doesn’t matter anyway. He’s going to count the putt whether it goes in or not. Put him down for yet another par!

Fun Fact: Despite losing 14 balls during the round, Mulligan Man still managed to shoot 78. Amazing!

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9 Most Hateable Teams In Pro Sports

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It’s fun to hate sports teams. We LOVE to hate sports teams. If there weren’t hateable teams out there, every game would be the equivalent of the Seattle Mariners versus the Sacramento Kings. No one would care. Sports consist of compelling stories, and every compelling story needs an antagonist. And no one is more antagonistic in sports than the residents on this list. So take a giant shot of whiskey, chuck the empty bottle against the wall, and snarl your lip as we visit the 9 most hateable teams in pro sports.

9. Boston Red Sox
Yankee fans were way ahead of the curve on this one. While the NYY-BOS rivalry has always been in full affect, the Yankees dominance during the Jeter era found the whole country rooting for the lovable underdogs to the north. It turns out that America ONLY loved the Sox in the underdog role. Massholes are a scrappy, lovable bunch when they’re down in the dumps. When they’re winning, they’re like Yankees fans with less bearable accents. Further, the underdog status vanished pretty quickly when Red Sox Nation developed a payroll that surpassed the GDP of several Latin American countries, second only to you-know-who in the majors.


8. Dallas Cowboys
Jerry Jones. The figurehead of the Dallas Cowboys encapsulates everything that America hates about their own damn team. He’s got hubris, bravado, arrogance, and a pretty strong track record during the 90’s. The Cowboys were a phenomenal team in the 70’s and again in the mid-90’s, so everyone stepped up their game. In the NFC East, every division game is a rivalry game, so right there, the Cowboys lost votes in DC, Philly, and NYC. Then there were the regular conference rivals in the playoffs in San Fran and Green Bay. Now that Houston’s got a team, they’re a rival too. And that’s before we even discuss the impact of Michael Irvin, Nate Newton, and the other members of Bizarro Ocean’s 11. There was a time when the Cowboys were repped by Tom Landry and Roger Staubach and were loved. That ain’t gonna happen again as long as Mr. Jones is still kickin’.


7. Miami Heat
Welcome to the list, Miami. A lot can happen in a summer. Every sport has an evil empire (though hockey’s is harder to peg down) and Miami just left Boston and LA in the dust. If you listen carefully, you can hear LeBron James’ PR team screaming as the jump off the roof of the tallest building on Collins Ave. They WERE a cute enough team, with the gentlemanly Dwayne Wade leading the way. They won a championship that appeared to be handed to them by the refs, and America STILL didn’t hate them. But then they land this decades Judas and spend the rest of bank account on Chris Bosh, who has all the charm and personality of a sack of doorknobs. Even the league's biggest optimists are vocally hoping for a train wreck in South Beach, and why wouldn’t they? Things are boring when they go the way they should.


6. New England Patriots
Oh, Boston. You used to be cool. Then you started winning. The Pats were met with the developments on this list. They got Tom Brady, the most handsome man in the history of handsome men. Not good. Sports fans hate good looks. That’s why Joe Namath was so popular. They got Bill Belichick, who smiled once in 1983 when he ran over a chipmunk. Those two acquisitions led to the third development: lots and lots of success. Accusations of cheating rocketed them up this list, and Brady started banging Giselle, which pissed off everyone cause she was supposed to be saving herself for us. When Wes Welker, a 4’8” white wide receiver can’t sway popular sentiment, you know that they’ve passed the point of no return.

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