Source
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
• When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
• I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
• Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
• When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
• Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
• Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Those are some of the ones from this page.
More places to find hilarious Steven Wright quotes:
Here, here, here, here (pop-ups), here, here, here, here, here, and here.
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